I don’t have a title , it’s probably because it wouldn’t make a difference if I did. It’s just another scroll for someone or an irrelevant post that will only be a blip on peoples radar. See that’s the whole world at the moment. Work , friends , hobbies , rent , bills etc…it’s all just a blip. Nobody actually cares really what you do or how you spend your day if it doesn’t pertain to them really.

It’s been a weird week, as you can tell by this random blog I guess. Stagnant and lost would be an understatement. I wonder does every creative person feel like this. It feels like at the moment everyone is quite happy with the status quo and having the art as a hobby on the sidelines rather than an achievement or actual success story. Twitter has died, Instagram in irrelevant and don’t even get me started on Facebook groups.

I’ve tried everything from promoting to streaming groups, to collaborations and even personal podcasts. But at this point…it’s hopeless it seems.

It’s a selfish world we are living in, people entitled to arrogance and shouting their thoughts and opinions at you rather than discussing them. Everything being a case of I ‘like’ or ‘hate’ with no room in between.

It’s been a constant struggle of mine between following my heart and head. When I follow my head it’s productive , hardworking but tiring and unsatisfying. When I follow my heart it’s blissful for a season but lacks luster when the sparkle fades. And that applies to EVERYTHING. I’ve been faced with a lot of complicated thoughts this week about both my past choices, life moves and various other melancholic emotions. It’s a phase I go through often , I compare to similarities now and wonder why I can’t seem to crack the code on it. I’m watching people as though they sail through life landing opportunity after opportunity without a ‘blip’.

I guess these days if your not different or have personal traits that diversify their agenda who are you? …just a regular joe.

I know I have experience and a talent for creative works and I’m aware that this seems like the depressing ramblings of a 31 year old sop…but it’s the truth and how I feel at the moment.

So why am I writing a blog about it? Because I live in a world where people don’t have time for people and at-least here I can spew out my thoughts in the internet stratosphere so it doesn’t feel quite so lonely.

Now im not seeking pity or any sort of “cheer up pal” because I know, it’ll pass…it usually does. But I need it to be here, to be printed so when I look back one day if I have achieved what I’ve strived for since I was little. I can glance at it and smile. Or simply agree and write another big long winded blog as to where I am hah.

Maybe I should start a novel “The snapshots of a 30 something year old.” At least that way I’d be capitalizing on my turmoil like most people seem to do these days. In fact if your not on Tik Tok crying into your screen with #feels …your irrelevant.

I did recently start my podcast which has helped with both my own subject matter and thoughts along with promoting stuff from time to time. But this past week it just seems like it’s another Avenue leading nowhere. The industry is fucked! At least it’s how it’s presented.

“Hey I saw your track and we can totally promote it here on our platforms , live the sound!!!🔥🔥”

My reply – “ that’s great which track do you like or any feedback on which one you think would be best to promote ?”

Them- “ …….”, “ it’s £50 for 1000 streams or a package deal for £100!!”

Such bollocks!! The internet since Covid has now been filled with wannabes, has beens and promotion garbage quite frankly. Genuine connections are not a thing and rarely swing your way unless, again, your showing vulnerability in your posts , videos or what you had for breakfast last Thursday.

I’m exhausted…

In my day to day work I manage two stores in hospitality. I’ve managed to work up to that point which I suppose is an achievement, but in this day and age I’d beg to differ. Your not just a manager with no room to have a life but your a parent, a teacher and therapist most times. I’m in my 30s now which means that friends are either career hogs who promise to meet for coffee and never do. Or they have kids, are expecting , married or inundated with family life. This would mean the “gay” 30 year old with only work responsibilities is very far down the list of important contacts unless needed for a gossip.

In my relationship I have achieved the impossible of marriage, having our own place and settling, which is beyond my cognitive beliefs as a straight teen. It’s been 3 years and it feels like 10. We love hard and fight hard. The fighting has subdued we are now in our ‘knowing’ phase I like to call it. Which means he knows my triggers and I know his but we can’t really fix each-other so let’s just be. It’s a different kind of live than when we first met it becomes more of a low flame rather than raging fire but I guess that’s the best kind.

All these things is my life , complicated and in terms of this week exhausting. Pulled at from every direction with no way out or light in the fog. Like everything I do just fades with no real traction. My love and passion for music and artwork and acting etc is the only thing that since I could walk was prevalent in my life and yet…fruitless in terms of success.

From contacting productions, emails countless applications, radio submissions and playlist admissions, gallery additions,zoom calls and face to face interactions …it all goes quiet again and it lasts for a small time.

I try not to let self doubt take place as I know it’s my biggest nemesis. However I’ve worked my ass off for years and I’m tired..so tired. And you do begin to think ‘maybe I ain’t as good as I think? Or as talented as those closest to me say I am?

You start to self analyze,visiting the past to see what happened which only makes things worse. Then before you know it everything is questioned and on and on and on…

As a result of course you become complacent in work, isolated from friends and family and irritating to your spouse. I’m the life and soul of the party, the dependency for everyone…I can’t be weak or stay vulnerable …I have to keep the engine running or were all stuck. That’s just it…I’m stuck, I don’t want to be depended or for anything. It’s the constant issue that has kept me back from being creative or even trying to tap into my ‘talents’. Every time and opportunity arose it’s either ,bills,family problems or no money due to all the above. It was university with a Guinea pig subject , relationships as a career rather than a partner and my self identity crisis as well as everybody else’s shit.

The year off helped. It helped me have quiet to be me. To be left alone and do the things I love without questions or responsibilities to how it would be perceived or judged because everyone was on the same boat. Now there’s just me and this taped up paddle in my boat. Society is back to normal the world is buzzing to life and nobody has time for anyone anymore.

I’ll keep going and I’ll keep doing stuff I guess now that it’s here and I do enjoy it still. I love to lose myself in what time I have free in creating things .

I just felt like this and thought, meh I’ll write an unhelpful moany ass blog to help me out.

I apologize for this entry friends and artists, I guess it is what it is don’t think any differently of me if you do at all that is .

YENNER .

Ps. I’ll probably look back at this and delete it in embarrassment so if you have read it you are part of a privileged few . You’re welcome 😉

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